Utterly disappointed - period

Cried on my way back from work. Dad was asking about the relationship between me and my bro, we have been on 'no-talking' terms since this year's Chinese New Year. To me he's just too narrow minded to be my elder brother, too calculative, couldn't let go; and to him i'm just a spoilt brat who has no idea how hard life is out there, always getting everything from my parents, etc..

I've always hated the fact that people are only looking things on the surface and hardly tries to look beneath the skin to see what other ppl are really feeling, their hard times and complications. Just because they never hear our sad stories doesn't necessarily mean we're happy.

I do admit that i'm a person who thinks a lot. Arh plain simple terms i'm a worry wart. But i think i've been facing too much of disappointments and sadness along the way that gave me this 'disease'. Every step i take, i weigh out every single damn thing, a simple thing to others like changing job is like a never ending thinking process for me - impact, risk assessment, changing environment, family considerations, other ppl's mouthpiece, etc etc..

Ever since i took up part time studies i've become a stressed person. I guess ever since i went to australia life has totally changed for me, i've become less happy, more concerns, more pressure, and i don't know what else. Everything seems gloomy for me.

I don't know what to feel right now. On the surface me and my brother are on 'good' terms now. We've just decided to put everything behind us and seal our mouths from all the bad histories that happened. Though relieved that we're talking now, deep down i still feel a huge gap between us - invisible gap that existed due to our strongly differing values on life, expectations, and many things. The only reason I decided to confront him was the fact that I no longer wanted to upset my parents, especially my dad, coz me and my brother are no longer in good terms and it's hurting him deep down. I can really feel it, especially today when he spoke to me about it, although he drank a bit, but i knew he must be hurting inside. I couldn't bear to see my dad who loves me so much, feeling sad coz both his very own children are no longer talking to each other and not knowing when they can make up once again and what future holds for them.

I guess me and my brother lives in two different worlds. I called my boyfren and told him everything, and seems like he is the only one who can really feel my hurt and sadness, sharing the very same thoughts as myself. Suddenly i feel very touched and warm coz i felt like an unwelcomed person in this world and here he is, taking me into his arms telling me everything will be fine and that i still have him now and forever, and he will take care of me. I begin to feel grateful that I still have him and all is not lost.

Thank you honey.. for being there, hearing me out and telling me you're still there. It made me feel there's hope in life once again.

I'm all worn out from crying but i've still got things to do. Tomorrow will be another busy working day - half more stack to go.