Wednesday, October 26, 2005
It's not because I've got nothing to do that my mind is blank. It's because of something I don't know how to let go.
What you wrote in your sms was all true. Finally I realised. Shocked as I am, nevertheless, it came across in a cruel way. Too hurtful I guess.
But then again, I brought all these to myself.
I'm split into half right now.
One side I really feel upset and sad that you have hurt me like that. Your actions and your words pierced through my heart like never before. I wanted to be angry at you for causing me so much pain.
The other side of me said I deserved the way you treated me. Coz i'm such a bad person in many ways. I do not have any right to be upset with you and with what you did or said because I'm a bloody bitch.
I wanted to tell you why I didn't answer your calls. But I'm sick of having to explain myself for every single thing I do. Coz I feel that the more I explain, the more I feel cheap and the more you hate me.
I'm scared to listen to what you have to say to me. Coz it may hurt me once again. Or I may become a bitch and say things that will make you upset once again.
Your sms made me realise that there is nothing else I can say to you. And now i'm forcing myself not to expect anything from you anymore. Not because I do not love you, but because I want to be happy.
Sounds so selfish, right?
But the truth is, you are the one whom I truly wish can be happy.
Friday, October 21, 2005
Honestly I don't like my Dell that much.. simply coz it reminded me a lot of losing my Toshiba.. and simply coz I really took care of my Toshiba so well that it didn't bear any scratches of any kind on it, it was clean 95% of the time, and I really liked the way it made me feel - coz it's slim and sexy, black combined with silver which oozed a sense of style.
On the other hand, the Dell was so huge, it measured up to more than 4cms in thickness and it just says "I'm BULKY" all round.. the silver covers looked cheap and the overall outlook seemed all too CHOR LOR (un-fine).. the thing that pisses me off the most (other than the damn thickness of the thing) is the touch pad:-
Any idot knows how to navigate the damn touchpad if they can own a freaking laptop! What's the point of having the stupid up-down left-right arrow pointers for?? stupid-shit.
Oh well the Dell does come with top-notch (at least to me they are top notch) specs, i've bundled it with Bluetooth as well and that's how i got those pics of my Dell posted here, they're taken with my Nokia 7610, transferred to my Dell.
Start-up and shut down time is really short (thank goodness) and that's what Toshiba cannot compare (maybe it's due to the RAM? Beats me).
All in all, I realised that I can't have the best of both worlds. There must always be some kind of compromise.
Toshiba - nice looking, slim, style; but slow
Dell - bulky, no style, but great specs
Thanks to my parents for being there to support me emotionally and financially for this Dell, and then thanks to my uncle also, for being generous in sponsoring this Dell. I am touched, so very touched. Thanks ya all. Love.
Thursday, October 13, 2005
I never had a good night's sleep ever since the burglary happened. Every single night, I will wake up all of a sudden, sometimes even a few times in a night, and my vision roaming around my room to see if anyone was inside, taking my things away from me again.
I'm very much bent ~ emotionally.
In the mid night, I came back with my bf around 1:30am, we went and had a drink at Starbuck's E-Gate with my bunch of friends, took my digicam there n snapped quite a few photos with em, those were some nice shots indeed...
We came back n my bf sent me to my door n left. We talked on the phone after he got home and I slept around 2am or so..
I didn't know what time the thief(ves) came, but I knew I was tired as hell by the time I hit the sack.. I had a few consecutive nights of highly lack of sleep and even when I noticed that my room door was open in the middle of the night, I didn't give much thought to it, the first thought that went through my mind was my grandma or my dad checking if I already came back.. but they never open my door to check on me, coz they know very well that I am definitely back if my door is closed, else it will remain open. But as I said, I was really too worn out that I didn't really bothered. But a few more times I opened my eyes and this time I saw a dark shadow figure standing right at my door, staring right at where I was sleeping, with my room door still half open, and I got really upset and had a strong urge to get myself up to ask my family why they are still staring at me even after I am already home ages ago?? But again, Someone up above must be really looking after me and I canceled my thought coz i was really too tired. On second thought I suspected that it was a ghost (!) coz it didn't seem 'living' - so still in the same position for such a long time - and THAT made me more terrified and I hugged my bolster ever so hard on top of me and just closed back my eyes, as if i knew if I didn't, whoever the shadow is looking at me will harm me in ways I never would have known.
After that I heard noises coming from the dining/living area as well, but I honestly thought it was my grandma having a tough time going to sleep and hence she woke up to roam about doing some random stuff outside, so I never had a second thought about it, but my room door remained open when i heard the noises, and for a moment I thought it was really odd and That was the time when I really wanted to get up coz I was furious why I was being 'harrased' by my own family and how come they couldn't leave me alone? (I really hate anybody who comes n simply opens my door when I'm sleeping or when I'm doing anything at all with my door closed) but I never did. And I'm really grateful and thankful of the Someone who looked after me from up above.
Morning came and I heard the usual loud conversation between my dad and my grandma.. but this time it was a bit different, coz they were not on their usual argument on food stuff, bla bla bla, instead they were talking about the lock, which lock they were referring to I had no idea, and finally both of them came inside my room and my dad asked me did I lock the doors when I came back last nite? N I said Yes of course! and he said 'aiyo, I think our house JIP CHAT (got borken into) already...' My immediate reaction was HAH? and I was wide awake there and then and looked towards the under side of my desk only to find my laptop bag gone. I cried mildly and soon after I slowly realised one by one that my handphone was also gone, and then my digital camera, and then both of my handbags gone. By that time I reaslise my bags were also gone, it was too much to bear and I totally broke down and I cried helplessly, and hugged my dad and just couldn't hold my sadness anymore.. I guess this is the first time ever I hugged my dad and he told me 'I understand Hoong... I know how you feel, but what is gone is gone, as long as you are alright, that's what matters the most'. In my mind, I just couldn't bear the thought of someone entering my room, and took the laptop that has all my study hard work inside, all my memory photos and my collections all this while; and my digital camera that was my bf's precious present for my 25th birthday... all the memory photos contained inside... me and my bf, my family and relatives during my cousin sister's wedding dinner @ KL.. my dear frens' pics we took that night.. all gone... The purse that I liked a lot, also bought by my bf....
On Monday I took emergency leave to re-do my IC, Driver's License and re-apply all of my ATM and credit cards, only to return from the National Registration Dept, to find my 2 hand bags underneath the stove, behind the gas in the kitchen area. Coz I saw some of the papers on my desk and I asked my mom where did she find the papers? She said underneath the stove and I told her these papers belong in my purse! So by chance I went to the kitchen area to have a look, and there are my 2 handbags, as if yelling 'Save Us! We're Here! Don't leave us alone here!' I took them out and I was so happy to find all my belongings still intact despite all the 100 over ringgit cash gone. At least I still have the photos of me and my bf inside :)
Anyhow, now i'm still applying for my final thesis deadline extension and I got myself a new Dell laptop and I have to admit that I'm scared as ever, of history repeating itself... I miss my Toshiba Sattellite A50 laptop so badly..... and I miss my Konica Minolta X50 ever more dearly.... They are my heart and soul.... the most precious belongings that I have so far.... coz it's not easy for me to own them... it's even harder for the people who gave them to me... and i'm just so sad....
Lately I'm very disturbed by the disappointing behaviour of my manager at work and it seems harder and harder to keep going in my job......... he's making me and my colleague's life miserable and I really do not have any motivation other than the salary I need badly to maintain my living...
Life at home is another low... I can't do anything about the problem between my dad and my grandma... and yesterday nite my uncle called and asked that I try to calm things down between them.. do something about it although it might be fruitless in the end... at least i tried.... and try to talk my dad out of heavy drinking....
It's not that I never did all the things my uncle said... but nobody gives a damn to what I say. To the adults, I'm always the smallest in ranking and nobody should listen to me anyway. My dad's drinking is getting worse by the day. I hate having him driving me home with foul words hanging loose and him getting us killed with his road bully behaviour on the road... provoking everybody on the streets who gets in his way... churning out shit talk from his mouth with hot temper and all.... I just hate it! But WHAT CAN I DO??????????
I'm only human... I have feelings too... WHAT ABOUT ME????????????????? i'm alone and there really is not much I can do to make the situation better... i tried.... but nothing changes............ what more can I do??????? I need love tooo.... I need people to give me attention tooo... to care about how I feel inside tooo!
I work like a machine every single day and my manager is giving me shit and never appreciates.. taking me for granted all the time.......... I come home and arguments are triggered every 3 minutes over petty matters.... I wanna run away........ far far away... but I don't even have a transport fod goodness' sake! where the hell can i go??? A place called NOWHERE it seems..... I wanna be able to have my own transport to get myself to work everyday, to have the freedom to go wherever i like, whenever i like... but why is life ever so hard for me? Just when I thought things are getting better for me, why must bad things always crop up on me? Are they telling me that they're not through with me yet? Again and again, I had to endure falls and falls.... falls that never seem to end... I don't expect a life which runs as smooth as butter, but why must it be full of thorns? Breaking my mental strength again and again??
No words can describe what I feel inside.
I feel that I'm a nobody and nobody will really be able to understand all the pain that I had to go through all these 25 yrs of my life.
I don't know how long it will take me to recover.
= END =
Wednesday, October 05, 2005
I'm DEVASTATED, UPSET AND SCARED AS HELL RIGHT NOW.
What has our society become? Daring till they can come into our bedrooms to steal? I had sleepless nights thinking how some strangers sneaked into my room :S